Hello, and welcome to Norway! I’m Thorbjørn, your AirBnB host. Yes, I know, I’m strikingly handsome for an older man. The exceptional quality of life here has done wonderful things for my skin. Staring is nothing to be embarrassed about.

Please! Make yourselves at home. I’m curious—what are your homes like in New York? Much smaller and dirtier than this? With just one window? I’m so sorry to hear that. Well, surely you can look out that window and enjoy a view of a local garden, or perhaps the sprawling skyline. Oh, it’s…just another building? Four feet away? I can’t imagine. Norwegian law mandates that all homes have a view of at least one fjord and enough room to do a cartwheel. 

Oh! I just remembered—I must tell you to be careful when you go to the center of town. That’s where our one beggar is. Oh, that pales in comparison to the horrors you’ve experienced living in New York as young women? Remind me how old you are. Ah! Twenty-six. A wonderful age. In Norway, that is. When Norwegians turn twenty-six, we get a free boat. When you turn twenty-six in America, I believe you get…kicked off your parents’ health insurance plan? 

That must be incredibly stressful. While you’re here, I encourage you to relax at one of our many floating saunas. It’s a big part of the culture here; we even have a government-run sauna program for children!

No one here has to compromise their beliefs due to our abundance of political parties. We have seventeen. It would be fair to say you have in America…two? I imagine that leads to frustration and dissatisfaction among the constituents, but please, correct me if I’m wrong. This is merely what I’ve read in numerous reliable publications. 

You know, I’ve also been reading about the violence in America. How terrible! You’ll feel much safer here, I can assure you. In Norway, everyone has everything they need, so there’s no interest in committing crimes. Instead, our interests include smoked fish, clean energy, and handsome rain gear.